


Love Yourself

by asexualjuliet



Series: Note to Self: Don’t be Gay in Indiana [2]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Barb is gay, Because I can, Coming Out, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay Will Byers, Gen, Homophobia, I frickin hate Lonnie Byers, Robin is Will’s gay mentor, Steve Harrington is a Damn Good Babysitter, Unrequited Love, every single discreetly gay scene I could think of was shoved in here, that one scene in the rain because it murdered me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 17:36:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20604671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asexualjuliet/pseuds/asexualjuliet
Summary: A character study of sorts—my take on Will Byers growing up gay in the 80s.





	Love Yourself

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Heart Wants what It has to let Go](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17505989) by [SilverSickle30304](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverSickle30304/pseuds/SilverSickle30304). 

> Inspo for the first Steve & Will scene came from “The Heart Wants What It Has to Let Go.” Go check it out!
> 
> I wrote this because I wanted to write something and because Will Byers is gay. 
> 
> If you want to read something and also think Will Byers is gay, you’ve come to the right place. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

i. the drawing

Your father yells at you when you show him the drawing you made for him. He says _ God, I can’t believe I’m raising a fucking f**. _

The pieces of your drawing lay on the floor after he rips it up and walks away. You pick them up fast and retreat into your room before he can yell at you again. 

You grab the Scotch tape and start to tape up the pieces, trying to focus on the tape so the tears don’t spill from your eyes. 

They do anyway, they spill down onto your taped-up drawing, and they smudge the marker and you cry louder. 

Your door creaks open and you flinch, but it’s just Jonathan and he says _ hey, what happened? _

But you just cry harder, you sob and sob and Jonathan picks you up from the chair you sit in and places you down on your bed and hugs you tight. 

_ Whatever he said to you is wrong, okay? Whatever he said to you is wrong. _

You cry until there are no more tears left to shed, until your eyes are puffy and your face is itchy from the memory of salty tracks leading down your face. 

Jonathan tucks you into bed and says _ get some rest, okay? _

When you wake up, the drawing is fixed, taped as straight as can be, old teardrops covered by layers of new marker. 

You appreciate the effort, but it’ll never be the same. 

ii. dinner

_ What’s a f**? _ You ask your mother at dinner that night. Jonathan winces beside you and you wonder what you did wrong. Your mother glares at your father and says _ it’s a terrible word and I never want to hear you say it ever again. _

Your father rolls his eyes, and dinner is eaten in silence. 

iii. bedtime

_ What’s a f**? _ you ask again when Jonathan is tucking you in. 

(You hear mom screaming at dad through the walls but you try to block it out).

Jonathan opens his mouth and tries to decide how to proceed. 

_ It’s a mean word for a boy who likes boys, _he says, and when you furrow your brow in confusion, he continues._ Like how M—Mike’s mom likes Mike’s dad. But if they were both boys. _

You don’t comment on the fact that he doesn’t use Mom and Dad as an example, because as far as you can remember, they’ve never been in love. 

_ Is that bad? _ You ask, because all you can remember is the way your dad looked at you, with hatred in his eyes. 

_ No, no, it’s not bad, _Jonathan reassures you, smiling slightly, and you nod. 

_ Some people think it is, but they—they’re wrong, okay? There’s nothing bad about love. _

You nod again. Start to close your eyes until Jonathan speaks up. 

_ Don’t listen to what he says, okay? He—He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. _

_ Okay, _ you say, and he starts to leave. _ I love you. _

A crooked smile on your brother’s face. _ I love you too, Will. _

iv. wide awake

You don’t sleep that night. Mom and Dad won’t stop yelling. 

v. rainbow ship

The next time you draw, your father isn’t home. 

A rainbow ship, you call it, and when you show it to your mother, you say _ please don’t show dad. _

_ Of course not, baby, _ she says, a sad sort of look in her eye, and she hangs it up at work, your rainbow ship, up for all to see, and she shows all her friends and she tells you _ Baby, I am so, so proud. _

vi. words

The word you heard for the first time that day is hurled at you for a while, others joining its ranks as time goes on. _ Fairy. Pansy. Queer. Homo. F**. _

You try and ignore it, like Jonathan said, but then the boys at school join in with their own words and it’s just more of the same, _ fairy, pansy, queer, homo, f**. _

Your friends say _ hey, they’re just being stupid _ and Dustin chimes in with a matter-of-fact _ more like they’re just being assholes. _

You giggle at this and Dustin smiles, sensing his addition to the conversation has done the trick. 

vii. should i stay or should i go?

_ Has he ever done anything with you that you actually like? You know, like the arcade or something? _ Jonathan asks one day, when mom’s yelling into the phone and The Clash is playing on the stereo. 

_ I don't know, _you say, because you’re supposed to _like_ your father. 

_ No, all right? He hasn't. He's trying to force you to like normal things. And you shouldn't like things because people tell you you're supposed to. Okay? Especially not him. _

He looks into your eyes, saying the words like they have some deeper meaning. 

You don’t know what it could be. 

viii. castle byers

You’re eleven when your father leaves, eleven when Jonathan says _ we’re going to make you a special place, okay? _

You’re eleven when you spend hours outside in the woods, hammering at nails that don’t do what you want them to. 

But Jonathan fixes what you do wrong and he doesn’t _care_ that you suck at hammering and he doesn’t make you go inside when it starts raining, only waiting until the fort is done and both of you are soaked to the bone from the rain to pick you up and carry you back to the house on his back. 

And even though you’re both sick and miserable for a week and have to stay home from school and you cost your mom a week of work, it’s okay, because the constant stream of _ fairy, pansy, queer, homo, f**_s are gone and all that’s left is your mom and your brother, who love you. 

ix. butterflies

It’s been six years since you met Mike Wheeler when the butterflies start. 

First just in your stomach when he waves hello at the bus stop and lets you have the window seat on the bus. 

Then they climb up, the butterflies, up into your chest and your throat till you feel vaguely sick, when Mike says _ wow, you’re such a good artist, Will! _ or when he crosses his eyes and sticks his tongue out at you from across the room in math class and you can’t help but smile. 

The butterflies flutter in your stomach as you watch Mike one night, as you play Dungeons & Dragons in his basement. 

_ Will, your action! _ he says, eyes wide and smile big. 

_ I don’t know! _ you say, but you probably would if he wasn’t looking at you like that, scrambling up all your thoughts so all that’s left is _ Mike. _

Lucas yells _ fireball! _ and Dustin yells _ protection! _ but all you can think about is Mike’s pretty brown eyes. 

You roll a seven and the game is over. 

Maybe the demogorgon wouldn’t have got you if you were paying attention. 

Maybe you would have been safe if you weren’t so busy with the butterflies in your stomach. 

x. running

The butterflies give way to full-blown birds flying around in your stomach when you crash your bike. 

A noise startles you from behind. 

There’s something in the bushes. 

Panic starts to set in. 

You run. 

Run as fast as you can go back home, calling for Mom, Jonathan, anyone.

No one answers. 

You’re all alone. 

A figure stands outside the window. 

You look back and it’s gone. 

You call 911 and there’s no answer, it’s just the sounds from the woods, and you’re scared, and you’re scared—

The chain bolt on the door creaks open and you run. 

You wish the feeling in your stomach was just butterflies.

xi. taken

It gets you. 

The demogorgon. 

You don’t know where you are, but you run. 

xii. not castle byers 

Castle Byers is here, but at the same time it’s not. 

It looks the same, if a bit darker, but it doesn’t feel right because you don’t know where you are, and you’re _going to die._

You hope your family is okay, you think, looking at the makeshift ceiling you remember building in the rain. Mom and Jonathan and...

And Mike. 

God, _ Mike_. 

Maybe the demogorgon wouldn’t have gotten you if you could stop thinking about him for even a second. 

The tears come then, because you can’t deny it anymore. 

You love him. 

You cry yourself to sleep that night. 

Hug yourself and cry. 

xiii. barb

You wake up to screams. 

_ Nancy! Nancy! _

You run as fast as you can, but all that’s left is a pair of glasses in the pool. 

You take them. Put them in your pocket. 

You saw the way she looked at Nancy. 

Someone should remember her. 

xiv. radio waves

_ Should I stay or should I go now? _

_ Should I stay or should I go now? _

_ If I go, there will be trouble _

_ And if I stay it will be double _

A voice comes through the darkness. 

_ Will? Is that you? It’s Mike. Do you copy? Over. _

_ Mike? _ you whisper. _ Mike! _

But he’s gone. 

Maybe you just imagined it. 

There’s a roar in the distance. 

You curl up even tighter. 

xv. prayer

_ Jonathan! Jonathan! _ say the screams that wake you up the next time, and you sit up as fast as you can. 

_ Nancy! Where are you? _

You know that voice. The voice that tucked you in at night and helped you build your special place. Jonathan. 

_ Jonathan! _ Nancy calls, _ Jonathan! _

The monster roars. 

You would move, but you don’t think you can. 

You sit there, paralyzed with fear as the voices echo around you. 

_ Where are you? _

_ I'm right here! Jonathan! I'm right here! _

You’ve never prayed before, but the fear in Nancy’s voice is so real. 

_ Nancy! Just follow my voice! _

Dear God,

_ Jonathan! _

Please keep Nancy and Jonathan safe.

_ Follow my voice, Nancy, I'm right here! Nancy! Follow my voice! Nancy? _

Please let them be okay. 

_ Nancy! _

Amen. 

_ Jonathan! _

The voices are far away now. 

_ I got you. _

Far away. 

They’re okay. 

You can’t decide whether it’s because of luck or God, because you’ve heard before that God hates f**s. 

_ That’s bullshit, _Dustin’s voice says in the back of your head, and despite everything, you almost smile. 

xvi. found

You can hear it. 

It’s getting closer. 

It roars and you know. 

It’s found you. 

xvii. mom & jonathan 

You’re pretty sure you’re not dead, because you wake up and you recognize the voices around you. 

_ Hi, sweetheart. _

_ Hey. _

It’s your mom and Jonathan. They’re safe. 

Maybe God listened to you after all. 

_ Where am I? _you ask, and your mother starts to cry, but you‘re pretty sure they’re happy tears. 

_ You're home. You're home now. You're safe. _

_ Jonathan,_ you say, not so much a question but a statement. It’s Jonathan, and he’s here and he’s safe and he’s okay. 

_ Yeah, it's me, buddy, _he says, and he’s crying. _ We missed you. We really missed you. _

You haven’t seen Jonathan cry in a long time. 

_ Are you okay? _ You ask. 

_ What, this? _ he says, and holds out his hand to show you a long cut on his palm. _ It's just a cut. It's nothing. _ Jonathan laughs. _ You're worried about my hand. _

Your mom is smiling, and so is your brother. 

They’re here. 

They’re safe. 

They’re okay. 

xviii. mike & the party

_ Byers! _ Mike yells as soon as he sees you, and the butterflies are back, because the look on his face is the happiest you’ve ever seen, and he hugs you and Lucas hugs you and Dustin yells _ move! _and hugs you even tighter

_ Guys, guys, _Jonathan says, and you can hear the smile in his voice. 

Mike is laughing. You love it when he laughs. 

He’s here. 

He’s safe. 

Everything is okay. 

xix. eleven

_ Eleven _ is a name you hear a lot of over the next year. 

_ Eleven’s our mage. Eleven saved my life! Eleven was so badass. El flipped a van, it was so awesome, man! _

No one says _ Mike is head over heels for Eleven_, but then again, they don’t need to. 

It’s the way he says her name, soft and gentle and sad. _ El_. 

_ Eleven would understand_, he says, when you tell him about the shadows. 

_ She would? _

_ Yeah. She always did. _

You wish he said your name the way he said hers. 

xx. wanna dance?

_ Hey, Zombie Boy, wanna dance? _

The answer is no, clean and simple, but Mike is telling you to go for it. 

You don’t want to. 

But she’s waiting, and Mike’s waiting...

You take her hand and let her lead you onto the dance floor. 

xxi. dancing

_ Every move you make _

Put your hands on her waist, your mother had said. 

_ Every vow you break _

So you do. 

_ Every smile you fake _

She wraps her hands around the back of your neck. You try to smile. 

_ Every claim you stake _

Your hands shake. 

_ I’ll be watching you _

You hope she doesn’t notice the way _ you’re _ watching Mike. 

xxii. pretty

You know it’s Eleven when she walks in because of the way Mike’s face _ lights up _when he sees her. 

You think she’s probably really pretty, with her nice blue dress and her curly brown hair. 

You wish you thought she was pretty. 

xxiii. steve harrington

Mike kisses her and you can’t take your eyes off of them. 

The butterflies in your stomach are growing into full-on birds, and you feel sick. 

_ Excuse me, I just forgot, I have to— _

The girl with her hands around your neck lets go as you take your hands off her waist and make it outside as fast as you can. 

Fresh air into your lungs. In and out. In and out. Tears fall down your face. 

_ Byers! You okay? _

The door of the nearest car opens to reveal Steve Harrington, because of _ course _ it does. 

_ I’m fine. _

He doesn’t believe you and you can tell, so you try a different lie. 

_ I didn’t feel good. I—I’m fine. _

Steve raises an eyebrow but accepts the answer, using his thumb to wipe a stray tear from your cheek. 

_ You know you can tell me, _ he says_. I’m like, the babysitter or some sh*t now, right? _

You half-smile. Take a breath. Sit down on the stairs and let Steve put his arm around your shoulder. 

_ Do you ever feel weird? _You ask after a minute. 

_ Weird? _

_ Like... have you ever wanted to be happy for someone but you can’t, no matter how hard you try? _

_ Yeah, _ Steve says, and you can tell by the way his eyes flit to the window behind you that he’s thinking of Nancy.

When he doesn’t go on, you continue. 

_ It’s just... Mike and El are so happy, and I wish so hard that I could be happy for them... _ you say, and you can feel yourself about to cry. 

_ Byers? _

_ Yeah? _

_ Do you like Eleven? _

A tear rolls down your face as you whisper _ no_. 

Steve looks at you for a second. 

_ Do you like... Mike? _

That’s what does it. That’s what breaks the dam behind your eyes and sends you in a fit of sobbing, choking on your tears and barely managing to breathe. 

_ Hey, c’mere... _

And then you’re losing it, crying into Steve Harrington’s shoulder on the front steps of the school and he says _ it’s okay _ but you don’t know if he’s right. 

_ I wish I didn’t,_ you cry. _ I wish I didn’t. _

_ I know, _he says, and he rubs your back as you sob. 

xxiv. the movie theater

You’re going to lose it if Mike and El keep pulling this shit. 

You’re on the end of the aisle, next to Mike, who’s making out with El. 

It’s gross. It looks like they’re eating each other’s faces, and it makes you sick. 

The movie isn’t even good, some horror film that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up, and it’s either watch it or watch them. 

You pick _ get the hell out of here _and you don’t even think they notice. 

xxv. scoops ahoy

_ Hey, _ says Robin from Scoops Ahoy when you knock on the back door. _ Byers, right? You okay? _

You nod. _ Can I hang out here? _

_ Sure. I’ll go get Popeye. _

_ Thanks, _ you say and Robin yells _ hey, dingus, one of your kids is here! _

You laugh and she smirks. 

_ Which one? If it’s Wheeler, he can forget it! _

_ The least annoying one! _Robin shouts back, and you smile. 

_ If that’s not Byers, I’m gonna be disappointed! _

_ Damn, _ Robin says, nudging your shoulder. _ Guess Mama Bear can pick a favorite after all. _

_ Byers! _ Steve exclaims as he enters the back room. _ Rob, I’m taking my break! _

_ Don’t call me that, _ Robin says, flipping him off, but she’s smiling. 

As soon as she leaves, Steve turns to you. 

_ You okay? _

_ Yeah. _

He just looks at you. 

_ Not like— _ you lower your voice— _ the Flayer or anything. Just Mike. And El. And a really crappy horror movie. _

_ That sucks, _ Steve says, and then— _ How’s that going, by the way? _

_ What? _

_ The whole—y’know_—_Wheeler situation. _

_ I mean, he’s all mushy gushy with El and sometimes I just_—you take a breath—_I wish I was her, because just like—the way he looks at her, I— _

_ Hey, dinguses, _ a voice comes through the window, _ I’m gonna close the window, okay? _

Robin’s eyes look... serious?

You take it that means she heard every damn word you just said, every last one of them exceptionally gay. 

Your eyes go wide. 

_ Uh, yeah, thanks, Rob, _says Steve. 

The window is closed all the way before you whisper _ oh crap. _

_ Hey, she’s chill, okay? She won’t—she’s cool. _

Steve’s words don’t stop a pit of dread from opening in your stomach. 

xxvi. robin

_ Your break’s up, dingus. Get the hell out there. _

Steve groans, fixes his hat and leaves. 

_ Ahoy, ladies! _

You can hear him from through the closed window and you laugh. Robin smiles and grabs the blank white board from the wall. _ This is gonna be so fucking good, Byers, _she says, drawing up two sections reading _you rule _and_ you suck. _

_ What’s that for? _ you ask. 

_ Hold on, _she says, opening the window so you can see a girl walking away from Steve, unimpressed. 

_ Hey dingus! _ She calls, drawing one tally mark under _you suck_. _ You’re 0-for-1! _

Steve just slams the window shut. You giggle. Robin smiles, and the serious eyes from earlier are back. 

_ Hey, kid? _

_ Mhmm? _ you answer, pit of dread forming again. 

_ No one heard you, okay? _

_You did_, you point out, face going red. 

_ Well, yeah, but... _ she stops. 

_ What? _

_ I swing that way too, okay? _

Your eyes go wide. _ What? _

_ I’m gay, dumbass, _ she says, but she’s smirking and so you smile, too. 

_ Cool. _

xxvii. d&d

You’ve never played a worse game of D&D, not even that time you let Dustin DM and Max spent the whole time complaining that Mike had better abilities than her. 

Lucas is mean, but Mike is even worse, looking at you like he’s _ better _ than you, and you can’t take it. 

They treat you like a stupid little kid, just because you want to do something you think is fun.

Something they _ used _ to think was fun. 

They think you’re a stupid little kid, just because you don’t want to make out with some _ girl. _

xxviii. not my fault

It’s raining when you storm out of Mike’s house, and the words spill out of your mouth before you can stop them. 

_ You're ruining our party! _

_ That's not true! _ Mike says, but it _ is._

_ Really? Where's Dustin right now? _

He says nothing. 

_ See? You don't know and you don't even care. _

_ And obviously he doesn't either and I don't blame him. _

He just looks at you. Like you’re some stupid little kid. 

_ You're destroying everything, and for what? So you can swap spit with some stupid girl? _ you ask, the mental image of Mike and El kissing enough to make you sick to your stomach. 

_ El's not stupid, _ he says, and then—

_ It's not my fault you don't like girls! _

You can’t breathe. Your heart is pounding in your ears. You can feel tears ready to form in your eyes. 

He must see them too, because his voice gets soft. 

_ I'm not trying to be a jerk. Okay? But we're not kids anymore. I mean, what did you think, really? That we were never gonna get girlfriends? We were just gonna sit in my basement all day and play games for the rest of our lives? _

The butterflies are _ gone._

_ Yeah. _

_ I guess I did. _

_ I really did. _

He calls your name as you bike away but you pretend not to hear. 

xxix. destroyed

It was raining the day you built Castle Byers, so maybe it’s fitting that it rains as you destroy it. 

xxx. apologies

He doesn’t apologize. 

Lucas apologizes, Lucas, who barely did anything wrong compared to Mike. He apologizes. 

Eleven gets an apology. A _ does your species like m&ms? _

You get nothing. 

So why are the butterflies still there?

xxxi. the heart wants what it wants

You ask Robin later, after all the Flayer crap is over. About the butterflies. Why they’re still there. 

_ The heart wants what it wants, shortstack. _ She sighs. _The heart wants what it wants. _

xxxii. coming out

_ Jonathan? _you ask one night, when you’re both curled up on the couch watching Looney Tunes and eating chocolate pudding, unable to sleep. 

_ Yeah? _

_ I’m gay. _

Jonathan doesn’t leave much silence, just saying _ I love you, okay? _and pulling you into a hug. 

There’s a moment of déjà vu, and a little voice in the back of your brain says _ you shouldn't like things because people tell you you're supposed to. _

The hidden meaning is there now, and though he never said it, you can hear it clear as day. 

_ You shouldn’t like _ girls _ because people tell you you’re supposed to. _

And so you hug back. 

_ I love you, too. _

xxxiii. family video

_ Shortstack! _ Robin calls when you enter Family Video. _ Movie night tonight! You, me and Popeye! _

_ Really? _ you ask. You don’t think you’re cool enough to hang out with Robin. 

_ Hell yeah, Junior. Just Steve and the gays. Be there or be square. _

You laugh. 

Robin is cool as hell. 

xxxiv. movie night

You’re curled up on the couch in between Steve and Robin, the credits to The Karate Kid rolling on the TV when Steve blurts out _ I think I swing both ways. _

_ Nice! _Robin says immediately.

_ We love you, _ you add. 

Steve smiles. 

_ Do you think Ralph Macchio is cute? _you ask, because he is. 

_ He’s no Tom Cruise in Risky Business, _ Steve says. 

Robin sighs. _ Useless boys, _ she says. 

You can tell she doesn’t mean it. 

xxxv. sorry

_ I’m sorry, _Mike says, when you’re biking home one day. 

_ What? _ You stop your bike. 

_ It was stupid to say you didn’t like girls. I—It was a sucky thing to say, I—I know you danced with Jenny Meyers at the Snow Ball, I— _

_ I’m gay. _

He’s quiet until you say _ Mike? _

_ Okay, _he says, pretty brown eyes looking into yours. 

You smile. 

_ You’re still my best friend, okay? _he says.

_ Okay, _you repeat, smiling even wider, and you get on your bike. 

_ Race you to my house! _ he yells, and takes off. 

_ Hey, no fair! _

The smile on your face doesn’t fade as you ride off after him. 

And if butterflies dance in your stomach, nobody needs to know. 

xxxvi. epilogue 

Sometimes, people say things. 

Sometimes you hear the occasional _ fairy, pansy, queer, homo, _ or _ f**. _

But your friends are there, Mike and Lucas and Dustin and Max and El. Steve and Robin. And they pick you up when you fall and they make you happy and they tell you they love you for who you are. 

And really, isn’t that all that matters?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!
> 
> All mistakes are my own, please don’t hesitate to point them out!
> 
> Kudos/Comments are much appreciated!!


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